


maybe i'm dreaming

by Anonymous



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Because I'm Still in My First Win Emotions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Platonic Relationships, just feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-06
Updated: 2019-04-06
Packaged: 2020-01-05 14:13:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18367655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: winning.the thing is, a dream is all it's ever been.something so far out of reach, so far out of grasp, something that had shone so brightly but at the same time seemed so, so far away, and so jisung had settled for dreaming.he'd dreamt as a predebut kid, 15 years old, wondering what it'd feel like to stand up on that stage with a pretty golden trophy and people chanting his name. he'd been an arrogant kid, and maybe he still has some of it now, but that little part of him had been screaming all along that he'd done it. that he's here now.





	maybe i'm dreaming

 

when it happens, jisung literally does not know what to do. 

for a quick second, he freezes and in that moment it's like clockwork as everything seems to move in slow motion. his senses are heightened for those few seconds, every touch against his feeling like static and sparks and every sound amplified so it echoes in his ears. 

their name. through the mic speakers, projected on the screen--the winner's music they play ringing loud bass strings through his skull--daehwi's hand brushing against his for just a brief millisecond before returning to the microphone--

and then jisung breaks. 

he tries, really, he tries, as soon as that moment is over, to breathe deeply, to collect himself, to be happy, but he breaks. he breaks into a mess of sobs and cries and he's sure the people in the front row can hear him crying--and it's odd, really it is, because emotions and jisung have never been the best at keeping good relationships. he's got a good amount of them and he likes to say he keeps them in check, but he hates other people seeing them. 

but as the golden trophy is passed into chan's hands and suddenly chan's voice breaks as he stutters out his speech, something in jisung breaks as well. soemthing in jisung decides it's held weight for long enough and snaps, crashes, and down jisung goes with it. 

it's honestly sort of embarrassing, how much he cries--he remembers hyunjin panicking for a quick second because he's never seen jisung like this. he's sure hyunjin hears him cry, since he'd been looking at the stage, but suddenly he's being pulled into a hug and then he goes limp, sobbing into hyunjin's shoulder instead while a flustered hyunjin cards his hair in an aggressively soothing manner. 

he doesn't want to cry--he'd made himself a promise on the day of their comeback that if a one in a million chance happened and they won, he wouldn't cry--but he's broken it now. 

and he doesn't stop, either. as soon as his tears finish, a new wave of emotions crashes down and pulls him along with it, a new tidal wave looms over his head and pulls him under until he's crying again. 

because it's like every emotion he'd ever locked up and put away, every emotion he'd ever shoved behind his lungs and his ribcage, every little note he'd tucked somewhere in his heart all come free and everything he hadn't been allowing himself to feel just bursts out and gets its payback for being locked up before. 

changbin. changbin sees him crying from the other end of the stage and his face contorts before he walks towards jisung with open arms. it's a new feeling, not one jisung is opposed to, as changbin wraps him in a hug with all the force he's got in his body and refuses to let go. he keeps an iron grip on jisung and lets him cry on his shoulder, and he only lets go when jeongin tugs at jisung to get his hug, too. 

it's a blur of tears and music, but jisung sees chan spare him one glance. one, and then he looks away--and he refuses to look at jisung for the rest of the stage. he hugs a sobbing seungmin but he steers clear of jisung, and jisung won't ever tell anyone but maybe that's the reason for a new wave of sobs. he's not sure why chan avoids him the entire stage but he does, and jisung lets his limp self be tugged up into a hug by felix and woojin instead, lets minho wrap his arms around him, lets hyunjin comfort him, lets changbin whisper 'good things only' in his ear, and lets chan stay far, far away. 

he's crying again and goddamnit, the stupid flood of emotions keeps crashing, why is he still crying? they line up to say their thank-you's, and people start to shout jisung's name. most likely because he's still sobbing his heart out. still, avoiding eye-contact, chan asks him to speak as well, and jisung gives a valiant effort in his opinion. but talking while sobbing is really hard and whatever he can get out is all watery and choked sobs, but he gives his best effort, and then they're backstage. 

chan still avoids him, stays far away from him, and jisung wipes away the last of his waterworks and decides he's done enough crying for today. for tomorrow, too. actually, he's probably done enough crying for the next three years. he's done. he's not going to cry anymore. 

but the car ride home is a blur. it's filled with excited chatter and seungmin still crying, trying to express his sheer thankfulness through his tears and instead getting a mass hug, non-stop smiles and laughter and a bag of chips being passed around from someone. 

"we have to do a vlive!" changbin announces once they're home, "shower quickly so we can do a live and go to bed." 

jisung scrubs away what's left of his tear stains and lets the hot water wash away all the salt still on his skin, and he lets it scald his skin as he just--thinks. 

a dream. 

the thing is, a dream is all it's ever been. 

something so far out of reach, so far out of grasp, something that had shone so brightly but at the same time seemed so, so far away, and so jisung had settled for dreaming. 

he'd dreamt as a predebut kid, 15 years old, wondering what it'd feel like to stand up on that stage with a pretty golden trophy and people chanting his name. he'd been an arrogant kid, and maybe he still has some of it now, but that little part of him had been screaming all along that he'd done it. that he's here now. 

he'd dreamt it at their debut stage, trying to understand their senior group's tears. why had they been crying? shouldn't they have been happy? yeah, that part jisung gets now. he gets it. 

he'd dreamt it at their first comeback. he'd known it wasn't plausible, but still he'd stared longingly as others took that stupid golden trophy home and sang their songs. 

he'd dreamt it at their last comeback. standing there, hoping and praying and being let down every single time until hope had died down completely and he'd been left an empty shell of nothing to dream of. 

and now he's here, and he'd sobbed his eyes out the entire time, barely even able to comprehend that it was him up on that stage. 

now, he wonders further. did he deserve it? was it a fair win on his part? does he deserve to be standing up on that stage with the other eight? because there's always that nagging in his brain, that little voice that digs at the dents in his personality until they are holes, holes that take so, so long to fill back up. 

not good enough. nowhere near the rest of them, not in looks, not in vocals, not in rap, not in dance. average. 

did he even deserve to hold the award? maybe that had been the reason chan's so pointedly ignored him. 

"jisung, hurry up! it's getting late!" changbin calls through the door, and jisung replies that he's coming, wait just a minute. 

no. today is a happy day, and jisung will be happy. he shuts the hot water off and steps out, putting on the first clothes he can reach and mussing his hair up with a towel. 

the vlive is as he'd expected--they laugh at him for crying and he doesn't blame them. he doesn't give chan a look, not once. partly because he's petty, partly because he's embarrassed, partly because he just doesn't want to see chan's face. they end the live and they disperse, and jisung heads back to his room. 

"you know, hyung," jeongin says as he stuffs himself under the sheets, "it was so weird seeing you cry so much." 

jisung sighs, getting into his own bed and turning to face the wall. he hates confrontation, especially after embarrassment. "yeah." 

"no, i mean like--you don't cry. at least, not in front of us, not really. it kind of freaked me out a little--i got all flustered so i didn't get to hug you properly."

jisung smiles halfway and crosses his arms, curling into himself. "that's okay. i got the message." 

"i'll hug you tomorrow," jeongin says decisively, "i'm tired right now. but i'm gonna hug you tomorrow." 

"okay, innie," jisung says quietly. he feels strange. different. it had all happened so fast that he really had somehow believed it was a dream. maybe he is dreaming. maybe someone will pinch him and he'll wake up and none of this will have ever happened. he's so used to it being a dream that he won't be surprised if it is. 

"jisung?" 

that is not jeongin's voice, jisung realizes, and he flips over to see--chan. standing in front of his bed, playing with the edges of his sleeves, hair frizzy and curly from his shower still and an expression that isn't describable on his face. 

"can--do you--do you want, um, hot chocolate?" 

jisung blinks heavily at chan's shadow and then glances up at the clock. one am. 

"do i want hot chocolate?" he echoes blankly, and chan nods. "if you want to sleep, that's okay, i just--" 

jisung has a heart. so tired as he is, he sits upright and gets up, offering chan a small smile. "let's have hot chocolate." 

it's already made, jisung finds as he steps into the kitchen, and he wonders what chan would have done if he had refused. or maybe chan had just convinced himself that jisung would not refuse. either way, jisung takes a seat at the counter and wraps his hands around the mug. it's oddly silent for a few minutes, chan staring out the window at outside's darkness and jisung watching steam rise from his cup. 

"i'm sorry," chan finally says, and jisung looks up, startled. 

"why?" 

"i didn't--i wanted--," chan sighs heavily, shoving his face into his hands, "i wanted to say something. i wanted to give you a hug or the trophy or--" 

oh. chan is talking about that little stunt he'd pulled on stage. 

"it's okay, hyung," jisung says immediately, "i think i was too busy crying to notice." 

he wasn't. he noticed.

"you weren't."

"maybe i wasn't," jisung looks away, "but it isn't a big deal. i understand." 

"i just--i wanted to say thank you, or just hold you, or something, but if i looked at you i knew i would start crying because i knew why you were crying." 

oh. well that's new. 

"i just--everything flooded back and i didn't want to cry, not on stage, not again. i--" 

"hyung," jisung says softly, and he means it this time, it's really okay. it's okay." 

"can i give you a hug now?" chan asks, deflated, tired. 

jisung gets up and opens his arms, and chan holds him, and they stand like that for a good minute. a god minute, and jisung--he can't say he hadn't been disappointed when he hadn't felt it on stage. but it's okay. 

and maybe it is all a dream.

maybe he'll wake up tomorrow and it'll never have happened. so jisung will cherish it while it lasts, because even if it is a dream, it's a damn good one to be stuck in. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> uh lmaoo im still so frickinhappy   
> congratu heckin lations im never gonna get over this they deserve it so much   
> this is short and bad i'm sorry the ending is rushed but im falling asleep   
> comments and kudos, please


End file.
